Lately....

It seems like I haven't talked to half the people that read this in sooo long.  I have to take this time to confess a few things before my brothers and sisters in Christ. 

First off, I am lacking desire and the want to pursue what is pure and right. I can't remember the last time I went to church.  It just seems so repetative.  Don't get me wrong, the church I attend is wonderful...but I just don't have the drive to get up and go.  I know it's partly because I don't want to face the people that sometimes seem to judge without knowing they do.  Also, I don't want to feel convicted of what I'm doing...because it's fun.  I know that the reason it's fun is because I live in a fallen world and satan is going to use the "bad fun" to turn me against my God.  And what's even MORE frustrating is that I want to be who I know I really am in Christ and pursue Him alone, and I know all the things I need to do to get back on track but I am too lazy and content to do it right now.  I guess what I'm saying is I am needing some major prayers right now.  I am wanting to go to Watermark in Dallas and try out that church and see if some passion is ignited by the Lord.  Pray that I would get my lazy butt there and that the Lord would speak a phenomenal word to me...I need it.  I love all of ya'll and appreciate the prayers...know that even though things are cloudy over here in this area, I am still thinking and praying for you all!!!! 

I haven't written in a while because...well....there's not much going on in my life at this moment in time.  I am still teaching and wanting so badly for summer to be tomorrow!!  The friends and family are good and I really have nothing to complain about (I know....shocker!! :)  I did meet a new friend the other night and am having a blast getting to know him.  We have talked about life and deep issues, which I love.  There's nothing more annoying to me then talking to someone for a period of time, hanging up, and then realizing that all you did was shoot the bull.  If I am going to give my time to someone and my energy I want to know that we are discussing things that can help either one of us or both of us grow.  Continuing on that subject....

We had a talk about who I am as a person and he enlightened me on a few things that I had not realized about myself but maybe many of you had.

First of all, when I become interested in someone I tend to "put up restrictions" he calls it. I have a hard time just letting things happen.  I need clear perimeters and justification on the "relationship" and where it is headed.  This was hard for him to understand because he is used to letting whatever happens...happen.  He thinks I sell myself and others short because of pre-conceived notions and judgements.  What I tried to explain to him was that any boundaries I put up are for my sake and the other person's.  As many of you boys and girls can testify....I am rotten at relationships....doomed to the past and it's failures.  I can see where an outside person might think the way I go about my brand new friendships with boys is setting myself up but I look at it as protecting both of us.  I always want to be clear that it is just a friendship.  When he tells me to just see where things go....I honestly can't!  I have a chemical inbalance in the "let things go where they will" department!  I feel like I ALWAYS need to make my intentions known so as to not to hurt someone, nor to be on the recipricating side and be the one getting hurt.  I have experienced way too many disasters on both sides.  Also, he told me he felt judged because I had already decided, in 24 hours, that he is not someone I would date.  But he had just recently told me that he wasn't where he wanted to be with the Lord but he was willing to work on that.  I tried to explain to him that Jesus is the number one thing in my life and when I hear something like that...it's a HUGE red flag...not to mention turn off.  He then felt like I was judging him and thinking that I am too good for him.  How are you suppose to respond to that?  I don't want him to feel judged or labeled or for him to think that I think that he's a piece of trash and I am holier than thou.  But I also can not and will not apologize for my convictions and standards!  What do you think folks?

Anyway, I know this is so long but I had to get it all out.  Thanks for listening....I'm off to cheerleading pictures....woo hoo! :)  Have a great day everybody!

Two Way Street

Some of you may not have known that for the past month and a half I have had a "boyfriend."  Well that officially ended last night.  He said some pretty hurtful things to me and I wondered what I was thinking dating someone that knew of the Lord but did not love Him.  It is so true what my friend Matt Chandler says, "you need to prayerfully consider who you walk with, spend time with and date."  I hear that all the time but with this boy it was seriously a battle between my flesh and my conviction.  Sometimes it just feels so good to be bad and do something rebellious.  However, my conviction and love for Christ always brings me home.  I am so thankful for that!  With another relationship ended in a negative way I can't help but wonder where all the real men are.  I mean, I know ya'll are out there but I rarely see you in action.  I had a chat with two of my guy friends and we discussed how girls are so careless and ignorant when it comes to how they dress.  Sometimes we do this on purpose but honestly in most cases I just don't think about it.  My friends explained what I already knew...that lust is the biggest problem that they face.  However, I let them in on a little secret and something that I have wanted to get out to all Christian men out there.  We women apologize for our dress and actions that cause you to stumble and we are willing to better you and your thoughts by watching our fashion....HOWEVER, have you ever thought about how you can help us?  Let me explain.  Girls, for the most part, do not struggle with sexual lust and thoughts, instead it is the future that we dwell on.  When you flirt and hold hands, kiss or anything else that constitutes a "boyfriend" relationship guess how we start to view you....as our boyfriend!  We fantasize in different ways.  What would it be like to be your girlfriend?  Where would we go on our first date?  When would you try to kiss us?  These are things that I feel most men either know and don't care about or don't know and need to.  You men need to be careful how you treat us.  I have seen so many occassions where boys kiss a girl or hold hands or call all the time and want to hang out and then can't understand why we are confused and needing to DTR...define the relationship.  Come on guys...don't be so ignorant and naive...do you honestly not know what you're doing?  I am sorry for all the negativity but I have been hurt one too many times and have heard my friends' trauma seudo relationship difficulties far more than I would like.  Matt Chandler once said a prize quote that I can not get out of my head and it says this, "Men....BE MEN....there are far too many Christian boys running around today....far too few GODLY MEN!!"  As we strive to be the women of the Lord that you need us to be please remember that accountability is a two way street.

Thank you for listening and I love all of you!